Eurovision 2024: Crisis? What Crisis?

Malmo Arena, 11^th May 2024

Firstly, if you’ve arrived at this blog looking for my views on the political machinations of this year, or my opinion of the Netherlands drama, much like Hooverphonic, you’re in the wrong place. I decided to keep those away from the main review blog for the sake of concision and clarity. But I haven’t ignored these important issues entirely, so you can read all about that here.

Remember back to the simpler times of a year and a bit ago? We were collectively so excited to see how the BBC would interpret a modern contest, and they delivered probably the best ever produced show (let’s not talk about the songs). Following another Sweden win, we were then talking about SVT wanting to reclaim their proverbial hosting crown. Even Martin O made that now-infamous quote about the contest being “safe” in Sweden.

That aged like milk didn’t it?

Of course everything was very competent, maybe technically better than the BBC in places. Petra was marvellous as ever, and Malin improved as the week went on after a shaky start. Once she figured out how to act the “straight man” so to speak, the dynamic between them flowed quite nicely.

The stage was fantastic too, and “in the round” certainly worked well from a televisual point of view, if not a live audience one. So what was wrong, (aside from the obvious)?

It’s hard to quantify very well, but something was flat about the whole thing, like SVT decided from the off that Liverpool was not beatable. Host city problems in Malmo were well documented too, and my opinion is that Sweden have just hosted too many times now, and essentially phoned it in. It’s not a special, occasional event for the SVT or the Swedes in general anymore and this filtered down into everything. The heart wasn’t there.

My biggest gripe – and this is going to sound incredulous coming from me especially – was the over-reliance on the past. I know, I know, I’m literally a retro blogger! I did enjoy seeing Bjorn Queefs Skifs, Herreys, Carola et al (Charlotte Perelli got a bit tiresome after the third outing) but there was too little that was entirely new – and we don’t get future memories without the new stuff. The endless ABBA references got tired after Semi 1 but had almost morphed into ABBA-Tourettes by Saturday.

I’d also be more than happy to never see Linda Woodruff again. She wasn’t funny the first time, and she really wasn’t funny this time. That Martin Estrogen song was just icky even without everything that had gone on. To most of Europe he’s just the guy who says the thing before the voting starts, not some Dear Leader. Even Graham commented that “this is a very Swedish show, with a lot of references that we won’t get” – but that’s not what you’re supposed to be putting on for a worldwide audience.

At least the postcards were fun, showcased the history of each country quite well, plus the closing shots were great, but too much leaning on the past again.

Sweden: Marcus & Martinus “Unforgettable” 9^th place, 174 points

You’re just asking for trouble with a title like that, and the biggest issue for me is these cute twins with high voices, who performed on Blue Peter, singing a passion song that seems just a bit old for them. Yes they’re 22 and probably not virgins (sorry to give you that image) but they look younger and are marketed based on that. This thumbnail sums it up quite well, with whichever M is on the left trying and hilariously failing to look hard. I rather like the EDM elements which Sweden are always good at, but nothing else really hit here.

Ukraine: Alyona Alyona and Jerry Heil “Teresa & Maria” 3^rd place, 453 points

Ukraine have once again done their trick of not really impressing me with their song before the contest, and then bringing it together when it counts. Vocally and visually this was outstanding, and the staging, that could have been a bit pretentious, looked fantastic thanks to some clever angles. Without the cursed 2^nd place this might well have sneaked over the line. Did all-through voting negate the running order bias? I don’t think it did a thing.

Germany: Isaak “Always On The Run” 12^th place, 117 points

Well well well! I had pretty much given up hope for this after the first semi – the OTT staging (how does he sing so well with all that smoke?!), the lack of anyone talking about Isaak, plus a running order death slot led me to believe that this really was coming last after all. But! Sometimes a radio-friendly, well sung song clicks with the casual viewer. Left side, and a decent haul from both sides of the voting must feel like a win to Germany, and it was fully deserved here.

Luxembourg: Tali “Fighter” 13^th place, 103 points

This is not 1996, can we please not have any more CGI? Especially when it looks as cheap as this? Luxemrael’s return truly proved to be one of the letdowns of the year, although I would dearly love to see them back for the long term, so I can overlook this scoring way more than it deserved and I suppose 1968’s crown of Worst Luxembourgoise Entry is safe for now.

Israel: Eden Golan “Hurricane” 5^th place, 375 points

RAI’s televote leak, although supposedly accidental, might have been what put the frighteners on the EBU to ensure that the juries mostly swerved this, thus preventing a contest-ending Israel win. Eden should never have been put in the position of performing to such a hostile crowd and unfortunately the audience reaction (however well SVT tried to hide it) possibly did backfire into sympathy televotes for “that poor girl”, especially as I can’t deny that she did a good vocal job under pressure. An uncomfortable watch for many reasons.

Lithuania: Silvester Belt “Luktelk” 14^th place, 90 points

Kudos to Silvester for coming on after that debacle, and delivering a sharp performance. The studio version is catchy if annoying, but this live version puts that driving beat front and centre. Not sure that nose cuffs will become mainstream though.

“I’m 92, I’m not deaf” absolutely sent me. Karin is still a queen.

Spain: Nebulossa “Zorra” 22^nd place, 30 points

From just missing out on my pre-show top 10, I absolutely fell in love with this during the Semi. The whole thing is just camp as tits and there’s almost Guildo energy in how much Nebulossa were clearly enjoying themselves. I aspire to have this level of not giving a fuck, which hopefully comes with age. Not the slickest performance or cleanest vocal of the night I know, but who cares?!

Estonia: 5miinust and Puuluup “(Nendest) narkootikumidest ei tea me (küll) midagi” 20th place, 37 points

The only positive thing I can summon up for this that I liked the audience involvement in the staging, something that has been severely lacking in recent years to the point where half the time, I’m not even sure that we’re at a live show anymore. But otherwise, there is just no point to something like this in the contest. If fun’s what you’re after, several countries did that better.

Ireland: Bambie Thug “Doomsday Blue” 6^th place, 278 points

I’ve seen this be called an all-time classic Eurovision performance, and it’s hard to disagree with that. The fact that’s come from Ireland of all countries is even more astonishing. This is maybe their Sam Ryder moment, now they need to build on this in the way that the UK unfortunately seems to be struggling over. Every part of this was on point, and yet it never looked forced (which was the problem with the LLS performance).

Latvia: Dons “Hollow” 16^th place, 64 points

Like with Germany, I love nothing more than an unfancied country doing well when it’s a good overall package. And well played for having a staging concept that meant they couldn’t be flung into 2^nd in the running order. Although I feel this should have finished a bit higher – I’d even go as far to say it should have been a Jury top 5 – 16^th is a great result for serial-NQers Latvia.  

Greece: Marina Sarri “Zari” 11^th place, 126 points

If Greek K-Pop is your bag, then you’re at home here. Unfortunately it isn’t my bag, so this just looked and sounded like a complete disaster bop, not in the good way. And I’m going to put my head on the block here and possibly get cancelled by the fandom, but I wasn’t a fan of Marina’s conduct during “that” press conference. Don’t make gestures, say what you mean and mean what you say, especially when you’re an older artist who should know better. Dons showed us how that’s done.

United Kingdom: Olly Alexander “Dizzy” 18^th place, 46 points

Frankly this feels like a real disappointment compared to how I felt pre-show, when I was sure we were left-siding at the very least. I’ve been trying to come up with reasons but I can’t really explain why this finished where it did (with a 0 televote), when the likes of Greece and Serbia finished higher. This wasn’t Olly’s best vocal outing and the soundmix was poor but it was hardly bad enough to deserve what it got. Nevertheless, Olly has been a class act throughout a tough year and a great representative for us. And if you want cheering up after that, go to the actual Youtube link and check out the comments. If there’s one thing the Brits can do well, it’s a self-roast.

Norway: Gate “Ulveham” 25^th place, 16 points

Unusually for me, my pre-show predictions were remarkably accurate this time (apart from Belgium, which still hurts but they only have themselves to blame) and the most accurate was that this would do a Fulenn/EAEA. My opinion of it improved slightly once I saw the visuals, but it’s just too inaccessible. That said, it’s a good thing that the contest can still attract this sort of band – I wouldn’t be mad if the UK went in this direction next.

Italy: Angelina Mango “La Noia” 7^th place, 268 points

One of my favourite pastimes on long journeys is mentally imagining Eurovision-style staging concepts for the songs that I’m listening to (Eurovision songs or not). I’m no professional on this, but everything about this concept was the total opposite of what I would have done, with the biggest gripe being the gothic colour palate for a purely summery song. Angelina herself was fantastic (that vocal phasing between the choruses is sublime) but in this very wide open year, there was definitely potential to finish higher than this.

Serbia: Teya Dora “Ramonda” 17^th place, 54 points

Weirdly, Rylan described this as a rock song. We all watched this in the Semi waiting for the rock, until Mr LLPP finally piped up with “well….there’s a rock in it”. This was actually close to being good, once it finally got going, but that took too long, and the first verse killed it before it even had a chance.

Finland: Windows95man “No Rules” 19th place, 38 points

My pre-show nul actually manages to lift itself up a few places from the bottom. It’s still pretty terrible but it did make our viewing party chuckle a bit (not belly laugh though, Austin Powers did that idea way better) and the singing from the guy who wasn’t Windows95Man was of surprising quality – that’s a difficult chorus to pull off. I’d say the voters got this about right.

Portugal: Iolanda “Grito” 10^th place, 152 points

You can always count on Portugal to bring the music, and that’s what I love about them as a country. With very few exceptions, they bring a quality song with a good singer every time. That’s not to say I like everything they’ve done, and I found it hard to get enthusiastic about Grito as it is just too pedestrian for my tastes (and I really wince at the Big Note where Iolanda sounds like she’s straining her voice) – but I can respect when something is objectively good.

Armenia: Ladaniva “Jako” 8^th place, 183 points

My 17 year old cat is called Leela, and we have a new favourite game where I dance around the kitchen with her singing this song. Well, it’s my favourite game anyway. She’s less enthusiastic. This frankly is what Eurovision needs a couple (not loads!) of every year, just pure joyful energy in national costume. No surprise at all that this did so well.

Cyprus: Silia Kapsis “Liar” 15^th place, 78 points

All season I kept mixing this up with Luxembourg, with both songs having two-syllable, one word titles it was easy to sing one over another. Throw Georgia’s similar title in too, and this is all too much for my ageing brain. Silia was impressive and had oodles of confidence and charisma for just 17, but Cyprus are not threatening a first win anytime soon.

Switzerland: Nemo “The Code” 1^st place, 591 points

Before the contest, I had feared that this might be too ambitious, and these fears grew further the first time I saw the staging. Nemo had a LOT to do here, but every bit of this was delivered flawlessly, and for that reason, it absolutely deserved the win. Thankfully the juries agreed and landslided this so it couldn’t be caught. I seem to be the only one who sees this, but Nemo really reminded me of this classic 70’s performance from my hometown hero Leo Sayer:

This is a retro moment I can get behind. Chrissy Wickham was responsible for not one, but TWO iconic UK stagings. Yes there were three contests shown here, but I wasn’t talking about 1982.

Slovenia: Raiven “Veronika” 23^rd place, 27 points

One major problem of the televote-only semis (along with the many others I’ve already talked about) is several of those qualifiers then dying in the final once the competition gets stiffer and the jury vote now counts. That accounted for almost all the places from the late teens downwards. This had been a surprise Q anyway, and looked very out of its depth and unable to stand out. Good vocal though.

Croatia: Baby Lasagna “Rim Tim Tagi Tim” 2^nd place, 547 points

I finally saw this as a potential winner during Semi 1, when the audience pumps their illuminated wristbands during the instrumental break. Like last year, this sort of thing is now seemingly a shortcut to a televote win and overall top 3 but I hope that not too many countries decide to attempt it. That said, this was very well done overall and even the vocals were impressive on such a tricky song.

Georgia: Nutsa Buzaladza “Firefighter” 21^st place, 34 points

For those interested, I don’t usually write the blogs in the sequential order they’re presented in. I write the song titles first, then start with the countries I have the most to say about, then work my way back to the also rans. Georgia is the last country I have to fill in which tells you most of what you need to know about it really. Well done for qualifying after a dry patch and all, but there’s nothing here that hasn’t already been done too many times.

France: Silmane “Mon Amour” 4^th place, 445 points

The unfortunate thing with this finishing so high is that it clearly shows that voters (both sides) only like this version of France or slight variations on it and anything outside of that isn’t rewarded. In this instance, it is almost so French it becomes a parody – if there was a French entry in Fire Saga, it would sound 90% like this. If the vocal trick hadn’t failed in the jury final, this might have even won.

Austria: Kaleen “We Will Rave” 24^th place, 24 points

This would have worked a whole lot better if that almost hadn’t tried to make a song out of it, kept it as a near-instrumental with minimal lyrics, and ditched that useless first verse. You know, like how an actual Rave tune is constructed. This always lacked credibility in my mind and the voters clearly saw through it too.

The Middle Bit

Alcazar were fantastic, Crying At The Discotheque is still a total bop, and they weren’t on for long enough, but given that we’ve had Madonna and Justin Timberlake as interval acts in the recent past, this did feel like another sign of SVT just giving up after ABBA ruled themselves out. I’m absolutely not saying we need a Big Name every year – Madonna was proof enough of how awry that can go – but if you don’t have that, then you need something still memorable (Love Love Peace Peace) or tugs on the heartstrings (Liverpool Songbook). I suppose we needed to include Loreen as last year’s winner, but I’m honestly tired of her sameyness now.

Conclusion

It’s hard to say how much the problems associated with this edition ended up carrying over into the production and overall vibe. More than a bit, I’d say. I’m being a bit melodramatic with the title of this blog as to the casual viewer, everything did look mostly OK but ignoring the issue will only make things far worse.

I did get one pre-contest wish granted, which was either a brand new winner or a country that hasn’t won for decades, and we got that with Switzerland. Hopefully they can provide something of a reset after the unpleasantness of this year, but that will require some real ownership and introspection from the EBU. Let’s see….

My Douze: Switzerland really did deserve this by pulling it all together, and with a couple of blips along the way, finally got the win they had been threatening for several years. Honourable mentions to underdogs Germany and Latvia for showing us that quality can still do well.

My Nul: Not a particularly hard one here – I didn’t understand how Greece even made it to the final with that hot mess, let alone finished 11^th, and also showing us that rubbish still does well. That’s Eurovision I guess!

The Points of the LLPP Jury

Once the wheat has been sorted from this year’s chaff, this is a strong top 10, with several names that haven’t seen it for a while.

1 point: United Kingdom

2 points: Italy

3 points: Armenia

4 points: Ukraine

5 points: Croatia

6 points: Spain

7 points: Ireland

8 points: Latvia

10 points: Germany

12 points: Switzerland